The only thing that mattered, and everything else was there for good measure.

 WOOOOOOOOOOWWWWW

 I think I'm going to marry him.

I belong to no one else...

I wanna go home too

shes " the hermit"

I don't know what she was smiling about; whether or not it was a good thing, a bad thing, or the fact that she knew our secret. In fact, the whole world knew our little secret.

He says he wants to heal me. Yeah I want to be healed too.

Id rather go get you.

Why does nothing make sense? and yet, everything is just beginning to.

This might sound weird but i think i had a mental break down 6 months ago. What happened was that i became very disconnected to me and my suroundings. I looked up this disorder called depersonalization disorder and its description seemed to match perfectly what i had experienced, only i didnt really know what to think of it. When it happened, i was kind of affraid of commenting on post boards such as this and having people tell me that it wasnt a mental break down and that i was looking for attention or something. I lost all of the people whom i used call friends, all of whom were never really my friends. There was never any real emotional attachment to "them" per se,  I think that the attachment that i did experience was based on the fear of being by myself. Well in the end, everyone just wouldnt listen to me. No one would listen to me. I don't know how to explain how completely soul destroying that experience was. To have absolutely no one listen to you was completely traumatizing for me. I didn;t know what to do. So I slept. I was afraid that I was going to wake up to the pain and try to kill myself, and so I just stayed in bed. As much as i could. It was the only thing that made things better. When I was completely unconscious. And so it's weird when people ask me what I've been doing for six months, because the responce is simple. I say i did nothing and then they look at me like I'm lazy, and that i'm going no where in life. But its not even that I dont care about my future. I care alot about my future. Thats why I had to do the things I did. I Cut all bonds with people I felt were pulling me into this never ending cycle of master slave relationships. I had to leave. I had to. No matter the costs. If I were to get better, than I would have to be away from all of this. 

I thought of other issues before the series of incidents occured, because I wanted to prepare myself for what was to come. I knew that i was be utterly and completely miserable. Like a Heroin addict in rehab, I would experience withdrawl symptoms. After about 4 months of pure sleeping (my days would start at 4 am, and then i'd be in bed by 10 am, and then get up 6 pm and then go back to bed at 7pm, to wake up at 4 am again - repeat) 
I eventually got myself to volunteering, but apart of my issue is that I have no idea how to deal with people. and So i went through a series of weeks where i would try to preoccupy myself and at least volutneer, but i found that i was adapting to the environments very well at all. So it's taken me quite some time to get to a state of feeling genuinely okay. Sometimes dazed, which is sort of like the after math of being in a constant state of depersonalization. 

Everyone at my school thinks I'm crazy because of this depersonalization thing that i went through, but things have sort of died down. I've gotten alot of comments liek "you've got problems" from random strangers, but I treat it as nothing because I'm fully aware that I have problems. I don't take it personally because its true. I do have problems. I just don't try to overtly socialize with everyone, because I know its not going to happen that fast. So far I've demonstrated that I have an outrageous personality, but has garnered both positive and negative responses. I almost feel like because I've not started expressing myself, I can actually calm down in the midst of new company. Like I kind of know how to sit down and act quite and competantly. Before it was just a mess of anxiety and looking psychotic because of it. Now its gotten alot better, and I think that it was almost necessary for me to experience the things that I have to get to where I am today.

Right now, I can genuinely say I'm alright with being by myself. I'm really happy about that. I focus on school and I know whats good for me. I stay away from drugs because when i was alot younger, before I had embraced the fact that i had a problem (and i had had social anxiety for as long as i could remember. I think it all escaladed to an eventualy mental break down as a result of not dealing with it properly. My way of dealing with it was just clinging even harder to somebody else.) I ono.

I think i had a break down. Thats all I wanted to say...
 
I never fully embraced it before, though i had considered it, but shrugged it off in fear of being rejected and feeling stuck. That feeling of being stuck is the worst.

I don't know what to say about all of this. Everything I've gone through, everyone involved and everyone who failed to intervene. I don't really think of the past anymore. I don't think about it because theres nothing more to say. The things I tell people about my past are pretty standard. Bland and boring. I went to so and so school. I did an extra two years of high school (but i dont usually tell them why. And i only needed one more university credit so realistically i only needed to be in school for another semester but my anxiety made is really hard for me to stick around) Things are just the way they are now. Its weird that I take this weird -none-shallont approach to all of this considering it still brings tears to my eyes to bring it all up. I suppose its because i have no other choice, then to move onward. forward.

My professors think i'm some sort of a stereotypical absent minded genius, when that is the furthest from the truth. I have issues that i have been trying tooth and nail to deal with, and these are just the out comes of all of my attempts.

I'm looking into law school prospects. I wanted to do well. I had embraced the fact that i had an issue, as well as embraced the fact that there were some things that i absolutely had to experience in order to get out of the seemingly endless cycle. I made a point to avoiding suicidal thoughts. Sleeping worked miracles. Though that was 4 months of pure sleeping that i'll never get back in my life i dont see there being any other way, than this. Its hard being by yourself, which is something you have probably already heard time and time again. But the fact still remains, and will always remain the same. Being alone is the hardest part of life,  but will always remain the reality of the situation. You are alone.

I'm not inclined to tell you what you should or should not do. It feels like this part of my past is missing, and its weird when people ask me things about myself because i never really know what to say. There nothing interesting to talk about, other than I'm happy that i came out of that alive and well.

I just felt like this had to be said. I dont know why. And to no one in particular. I suppose thats what gives it such dramatic appeal is in the fact that when i once depended on another, I now feel inclined to pour my heart and soul to no one. Or perhaps to everyone, that cares to read this.

I went through unfathomably lonely periods. I felt like i was in a constant state of suffocation, and everytime I looked toward to the future I knew one day that i would have kids and I would not know what the fuck to do if things hadnt changed. I figured the cards that i had been dealt were not the best, but i still had to deal with them. So i did. I walked into this with the best of intensions for my own personal welfare, and i walked out slightly scathed but in one piece.
I'm not completely better, though I have still gotten that much better and that
I have to be thankful for.

I didn't edit this. btw. Its too much to read through. It is what it is. Just as my thoughts poured out. Typos in all its glory.

I'm getting into a new mode doing things.

A nice cold beer after supper. Yeppp.

Also, how about dating a faculty member at your university? Yay or nay?

what if they're twice your age?

I TOTALLY STILL SAY YES.

Yeah, I dont edit on this journal.

So ive done notes on some articles on this paper that i'm doing and that is going to help me in the over all argument by helping me understand different perspectives of the ongoing debate in American politics. Now while that is good for merely understanding the debate, my thesis is going to depend on alot of preliminary research from introductory text books helping me understand the basis of american political system in context to the american health care debate as a whole. This should help me decipher my premise. 

There is a minimum of 5 references and so far I've got a few magazines and newspapers.

I should have a rough draft by the end of this week. 

GOD THAT WAS SO HELPFUL.

I STILL WANT TO MARRY MY PROFESSOR.

 I still want to marry my professor. He's 40. I'm 20.